Jokes

When I was a boy my mom would send me down to the corner store with £1 and I’d come back with 5 pounds of potatoes, 10 loaves of bread, 10 bottles of milk, a big hunk of cheese, 5 boxes of tea and 6 boxes of eggs.

You can’t do that now… to many security cameras.

I had a dream about drowning in an ocean made of orange pop last night.

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea.

It's dangerous to unclog a toilet at the top of a skyscraper.

You could plunge to your death.

Bert should have known better than to flush his wooden shoes down the toilet.

Now it’s clogged.

I've just bought a moblie phone from a Vicar....

It's pray as you go.

Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia.

I was involved in very organised crime

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought, 'that's Abba-riginal.'

Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmer gently sings to them.

It’s a classic case of in one ear and out the udder.

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury.

No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.