Jokes

The Garlic Press, the Corkscrew, and the Wooden Utensils Walk Into a Kitchen

The Garlic Press strutted onto the countertop like it owned the place.“Right, team, tonight we’re making dinner. I’m the star, obviously.”

The Corkscrew twirled its wings dramatically.“Please. The only reason anyone invites us to dinner is me. I bring the wine. You bring… smelly fingers.”

The Garlic Press gasped.“That’s aroma, thank you very much.”

Meanwhile, the bag of 8 Wooden Utensils shuffled in like a group of Year 7s on their first day of school.

One spoon whispered, “Do we… do we talk? Or just stir things quietly and hope no one notices us?”

Another spoon nudged it. “Mate, we’re eight strong. We’re basically a boyband. Stick together.”

The Corkscrew clapped its metal wings.“Alright, everyone, positions! Dinner’s starting soon.”

The Garlic Press puffed up.“Finally, my moment. Bring me the garlic!”

But the human walked in, looked at the three of them……and picked up a takeaway menu instead.

The Corkscrew sighed.“Typical. We train for greatness, and they order a kebab.”

The Garlic Press muttered, “At least kebabs use garlic.”The Wooden Utensils huddled together.“Do kebabs need stirring?”“No, mate.”“Oh.”

The Corkscrew stretched its wings dramatically.“Well, team… same time tomorrow.”

And they all agreed, because in that kitchen, hope springs eternal — especially when the human keeps buying new gadgets.

A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time?

'No,' he replied. 'A whole lot of them begin with 'If elected, I promise ...''

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.

"No I did not," the doctor said.

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

What is Smurfette's biggest secret?
Before she was famous she starred in a blukkake video....

Hiking in your 70s is a great way to meet new people.

Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist and nearly met my maker.

A man tells his doctor, “Ever since you prescribed me those sleeping pills, I’ve finally been able to relax!”

The doctor says, “Glad to hear. And you’re only taking 1 per night, right?”

Man replies, “Oh, I’m not taking them. I’ve been giving them to my wife.”

A man playing a new golf course got confused about which hole he was on.

He noticed a woman playing ahead of him, walked up, and asked if she knew where he stood.

She said, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re one hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th.”

He thanked her and continued on.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

After finishing his round, he went into the clubhouse and saw the woman sitting at the bar. Wanting to show his appreciation, he offered to buy her a drink. They started chatting, and he asked what she did for a living.

“I’m in sales,” she said.

“So am I,” he said. “What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” he insisted.

“I sell tampons.”

At that, he burst out laughing and nearly fell off his stool.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you

I just don't understand it....
When I went to the animal shelter to look for a new dog I was greeted like a hero.
But when I went to the women's shelter to look for a new girlfriend they went nuts and called the police...

I was struggling with my girlfriends luggage at the airport and I said to her "You should have packed the dining table as well!"
"Don't be sarcastic" she replied.
"No, you don't understand" I said, "our passports are on it".....

What do you call a cult that is hard to get into?

Difficult.