Jokes

The Secret Service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell “Donald, duck!”

What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Land Rover?

Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball over 300 yards.

“Anime logic: Arsenal wins the league, rival fans lose their will to live.”

Where do shellfish borrow money from?

A prawn broker.

Why do fish live in salt water?

Pepper makes them sneeze

Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?

He's a bit of a pain in the neck.

A lady golfer is finishing her round and sees the club pro hanging out on the patio as she walks up from the 18th green to the clubhouse.

The pro asks, “How did you do today?”

“Not bad,” the woman replies, “but I got stung by a bee!”

“Where did it sting you?” asks the pro.

She replies, “Between the 1st and 2nd hole.”

The pro replies, “Sounds like your stance might be too wide.”

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

A bossy man walked into a bar…

And ordered everyone a round.

Why did the book need stitches?

Because it had it's appendix removed.