Jokes

Two drunks were sitting outside a clinic, crying like hell. A passer-by asked, “Why are you crying?” The first one replied, “I came here for a blood test” “So, are you afraid?” First one replied, “No, it's not that. During the blood test they accidentally sliced my finger off!” He turned to the second drunk and asked, “Why are you crying?” The other replied, “I have come for my urine test!”

One day a boy asks his dad,
"What's the difference between a pussy and a c*nt?"
Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."
He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she
was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that
brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy."
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and
furry it is?"
"No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the c*nt."

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

Twinings have recently developed a new erotic breakfast tea.
Fifty Shades of Earl Grey.

I went to the funfair today.
After managing to get all three darts in a goldfish,the guy came over and said,"You've misunderstood the rules."
"Don't try that one, pal!" I said,"Now if you'll just pass me one of those giant playing cards I'll be on my way.

John O'Shea's baby bounced of everything when he was being born in the maternity ward.
So they've decided to call him Rick.

Gave a speech to a group of farmyard animals today,had them eating out of my hands.

Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check."

"By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.
"Just POP it in the corner," he said
It took me three hours.

You know it really sucks having a mum working for Babestation.
It cost a fucking fortune to call her up and ask her what's for dinner.

A taxi driver dropped me off last night,he said "That's £16 please.
I gave him a twenty and said, "Keep it"
"Are you serious?" he asked.
I said "Yeah,I'm in a good mood."
He said,"Fuck off you cunt,you owe me another £15.80

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today & I couldn't help but admire it. "Nice car" I said "as he got out. "Well" he said noticing my admiring looks "work hard,put the hours in & I'll have an even better one next year"

how do you make a cat go woof?

pour petrol over it and light a match