Jokes

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen making dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN

An elderly man goes to a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the old fella and asks his age.

"I'm 90 years old" he says.

"Ninety!" she says. "Dont you realise you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry", says the old man, "how much do i owe you?"

My wife likes to play sick jokes on me when I'm drunk.
The worst one was when she was still my girlfriend,it went like this:

Her: "Knock Knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

Her: "Eyed"

Me: "Eyed Who?"

Vicar: "I now pronounce you Husband & Wife."

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts,as he kneels down to her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby?"

She rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,

"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit".

I can't afford anti-depressants,so I'm drinking No More Tears Shampoo instead.

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both make you stand around for an hour, waiting for a two minute ride.

What does a bar and a good woman have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

I rang the council and asked if I could have a skip outside my house

They said I could do a fucking cartwheel round the block for all they care

A tramp walks into a High Class Jewelers,pulls down his pants and starts fingering his arse.
The shop assistant,shocked and disgusted shouts,"Get out of here you dirty bastard."
The tramp is furious and replies,"Make up your fucking mind," and points to the sign in the window that reads: COME INSIDE AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT.

Whats the difference between a sin and a shame?
Its a sin to stick it in, and a shame to take it out.

Whats the similarity between the KGB and oral sex?
One slip and you're in the shit.