Jokes

(05-11-2012 11:45 )Boomerangutangangbang Wrote:  What's the smallest unit of time in the known universe ? The interval between the traffic light turning green & the Taxi Driver behind you sounding his horn.

What's the longest unit of time in the known universe?
The interval between the traffic light turning green and the pensioner in front of you getting into first gear.

What does a pussy and a warm toilet seat have in common?
They're both nice, but you always wonder who was there before you.

What do you get if you mix Viagra and Prozac?
A guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

Two dragons walk into a pub,one says "it's hot in here" The other dragon says "shut your mouth"

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

Red Riding Hood is skipping happily through the forest when out jumps the big bad wolf and says:
"Aha, Red Riding Hood. I'm going to gobble you up...gobble, gobble!"
Red Riding Hood replies:
"Gobble, gobble, thats all they think about around here. Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"

A Waitress came over to take a man's order. "I want a quickie" he said. Appalled she slapped him across the face. Regaining her composure she asked him again. "Now what would you like?"
"I want a quickie" he said. Once again she slapped him across the face. She decided to give him one last chance.
"For the last time, what would you like?"
"I want a quickie" he again replied.
She slapped him again and went to get the manager. A chap at the next table leaned over and says to man " I think you'll find its pronounced quiche mate."

What's the difference between sex & the US Presidential Election ? In sex the decision to choose between the cunt & the arsehole it's a pleasure.

Doc, says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on Earth for?"

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. If you don't do it, I'll just go to another doctor."

"OK, but it's against my better judgment."

Steve has his operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Yeah," says the patient, "I finally decided I'd like to be circumcised."

Steve's eyes widen in horror, "Oh no! That's the word!"

A young couple went out on a date in the guys new car. A few miles down the road, he said to her:
"If i do 100mph, will you take your clothes off?"
She said it sounded fun and so he stepped on the gas. When the speedo touched 100, she began to strip off. Distracted by her state of undress, he took his eyes off the road for a second and crashed the car into a hedge. The girl was thrown clear without a scratch but all her clothes were trapped in the car, along with her boyfriend.
"Go and get help" he screamed.
"I cant i'm stark naked"
Seeing one of his shoes had been thrown clear, he pointed to it and said: "Cover your crotch with that and go get help."
So she picked up the shoe, covered herself with it and ran half a mile to the nearest petrol station. "Help! Help!" she yelled to the attendant. My boyfriends stuck!"
The attendant glanced down at the shoe covering her crotch and said:
"Sorry miss, he's too far in."

HOUSE SEX
When you are newly married and have sex in every room in the house.

BEDROOM SEX
When you have got to know each other and only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX
When you and your other half pass each other in the hall and shout F#*K YOU at each other.

COURTROOM SEX
When your ex and her lawyer take you to court and F#*K YOU for every penny you have got.