Jokes

"Take me back to your place and fuck me up the arse!" Some fat chick demanded last night.
"I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said.
"Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked.
"Maybe so," I replied, "but my door frame is very narrow."
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The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope will never be repeated. The other is about a president...
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A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.
I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.
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Just been on bigbustycoons.com
Damn, those guys have really good bus companies...

A couple was making love outdoors when suddenly a Bee flies into the woman's virgina.
They go to the hospital were the doctor says, "mmm,well,with both your permission I could put some honey on the tip of my penis,and try to lure him out."
The couple agreed.
So the doctor puts some honey on the tip if his penis and starts to gently push in and out of the virgina.
All of a sudden he starts pushing harder and harder up until he was ramming his penis up inside her virgina.
The boyfriend said, "What the hell do you think your doing?"
"I've changed my mind," said the doctor, "I'm going to drown the bastard instead!!"

It's predicted that by 2025 you'll be no more than 6 foot away from an Ex-Chelsea Manager.

An old lady had purchased a pair of blue parrot's for company.
She wanted to name them Joey and Polly but she was unable to identify which was male and female, so she enquired back at the pet shop.
The pet shop owner told her to watch them while they were mating and she should easily identify the male.
The old lady watched and waited. A few days later she heard squawks and saw feathers flying, and she identified Joey easily.
Now she knew which was Joey, so to avoid confusion she fitted a white band around his neck to tell them apart.
Later that day, there's a knock on the door, and its the vicar.
She invites him in and is spotted by Joey who squawks:
"I see they've caught you fucking around too, eh."

Noticing a fat couple kissing, my girlfriend said, "Have you ever been out with a fat girl before?"
"No, you're the first," wasn't the best response.

Was watching Autumnwatch when I heard Chris Packham say " lets get a cam on mikaela's Beaver" I nearly passed out.

Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.

Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night."

Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."

While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.

Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."

A very naive bloke is in a bar. He meets a wild girl and she takes him back to her place.
She takes off her skirt and her panties. He looks between her legs and says, "What's That?"
She says, "It's my lower mouth."
"What do you mean your lower mouth?"
"Just what i said, it's my lower mouth. It's got a moustache... it's got lips..."
"Has it got a tongue in it?" he asks.
"Not yet..."

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

My missus dragged me to see Twilight last night, but it was ruined by some annoying girl talking the whole way through it.
Kristen Stewart I think her name was..
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How many Chelsea Managers does it take to change a Lightbulb?
They don't know. The lightbulb usually outlasts them.
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.