Jokes

I once ate a clownfish

I thought it tasted a little funny

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

I was masturbating today and my hand fell asleep - that's got to be the ultimate rejection.

Why is a man's pee yellow, and his sperm white?

So he can tell if he's coming or going.

What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?

They were originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them the most.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What's Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination

A naughty schoolboy draws a penis on a black board.

His teacher rubs it off in disgust.

Next day he draws a bigger one and writes:

"REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals.”
One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?”
“N,” she answered.

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.