Jokes

My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. Amazingly he said, “Hello, Sir. You are a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too."

I realised the problem straight away.
Bat flattery!

I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.

My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?

A dictator!

My neighbour has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.

Personally am on the fence.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

I'm doing well in the final of the Sexual Innuendo Championships...

I just need to ram home my stiff advantage, then I should come first..!

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

I told my wife she needs to start embracing her mistakes.

So she hugged me.

Q. What's black and white and dead all over?
A. A zombie in a tuxedo.