Jokes

I've been thinking about taking up meditation.

I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

I’d tell you a construction joke... but I’m still working on it.

On what grounds did the police arrest the devil?

They got him on possession.

When I told my date I worked with animals, she found it really sweet and asked more about my job.

So I told her: “I’m a butcher.”

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

Putin and Trump are nothing like Hitler.

There’s no way they could write a book

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.

It was riveting

Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night...

"Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour", she said.

I replied, "I haven't even put it on yet!"

What did Snow White say when she left the photo booth?

“Someday my prints will come.”

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi!