Jokes

I told my wife she was getting too obsessed with this gardening hobby.

She’s planting seeds of doubt.

What if the guy that invented the umbrella was actually just gonna call it a 'brella' but hesitated at first?

Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought to myself, "The streets seem strangely desserted..."

The Great Pigeon Heist of Peckham
In the heart of Peckham, three blokes—Terry, Baz, and “Silent” Steve—hatched a plan to rob the local bank. Not for gold, not for cash, but for something far more elusive: the legendary Bank of Peckham Custard Cream Vault, rumored to hold the finest biscuits ever stockpiled by man.
Their plan was simple:
• Terry would pose as a security consultant.
• Baz would distract the teller with an impromptu magic show (he only knew one trick: making a coin disappear… into his sock).
• Silent Steve, true to his name, would sneak into the vault dressed as a pigeon.
Why a pigeon? Because the bank had recently installed an AI-powered security system that ignored anything “non-human.” Steve spent three weeks training in Trafalgar Square to perfect his cooing and head-bobbing.
The day arrived. Baz’s magic trick went horribly wrong—he accidentally swallowed the coin and had to be escorted out. Terry got nervous and started giving unsolicited advice about fire exits. But Steve? Steve waddled right into the vault, flapped his arms, and pecked open the biscuit safe.
He emerged victorious, wings full of custard creams… only to be tackled by an actual pigeon who thought he was encroaching on turf.

The police report read:

“Suspect apprehended. Motive unclear. Biscuit crumbs everywhere. One pigeon still at large.”

Steve now does community service at a bird sanctuary. He’s banned from all Greggs within a 10-mile radius

What building in New York has the most stories?

The public library.

Why did the farmer ride his horse into town?

Because it was too heavy to carry.

The Cheating Couple and the Smart Parrot

Dave suspected his wife, Lisa, was cheating. So he bought a parrot—not for companionship, but surveillance. This wasn’t any parrot. It was a highly trained ex-CIA bird named Tango, who could mimic voices and record conversations.
He left Tango at home while he went to work.
That evening, Dave rushed back and asked, “Tango, what happened today?”
Tango squawked:
“Lisa said: ‘Come over, baby, Dave’s at work.’”
Then in a deep voice: “I missed you, Lisa.”
Then Lisa again: “Let’s go upstairs…”
Dave’s heart sank. “And then what?” he asked.
Tango paused.
“…Then they played Uno for three hours.”
Dave blinked. “UNO?!”
Tango nodded. “Yeah. She’s cheating on you, but not with him. She’s cheating on me. I’ve been trying to beat her for weeks!”

I asked the director of a psychiatric ward how they know for sure if someone is mentally unstable and needs to be committed.

He explained their method: they go to a bathroom and fill a bathtub to the top. They then give the patient a big bucket and a small spoon, and ask them to empty the tub.

“Ah,” I replied, “so the normal person chooses the big bucket because it’s larger, right?”

The director disagreed: “No, a normal person would simply pull the drain stopper.” And added “By the way, is a room with a garden view ok for you?”

A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat – the male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago.

He asks the female whale “let’s both get under the boat, blow air out of our air holes, and it might topple the ship.” They go ahead and do it, with success: the fish boat sinks.

However, the seamen from the boat manage to swim away, almost reaching the shore. The male whale, disappointed that they might get away, suggests “Let’s catch and eat them.”

But this time, the female whale doesn’t want to join in: “Look, I did the blow job just like you asked, but I really don’t want to swallow the seamen”.

The Teacher vs. Little Marcus

Miss Jenkins was teaching her Year 6 class about grammar.
She asked, “Can anyone give me a sentence using the word ‘definitely’?”
Little Sarah raised her hand: “The sky is definitely blue.”
Miss Jenkins smiled. “Good try, but the sky can be grey or red at sunset. Not always blue.”
Tom piped up: “Grass is definitely green!”
“Not always,” said Miss Jenkins. “It can be brown in winter or dry weather.”
Then Little Marcus raised his hand, grinning.
“Miss,” he said, “Is there such a thing as farts with lumps?”
The class went silent.
Miss Jenkins blinked. “No, Marcus. That would be… something else.”
Marcus nodded. “Then I definitely just farted.