Jokes

The chicken and the egg are in bed.

The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says, 'Well, I guess that answers that question.'

“The Great Toilet Roll Heist”

Meet Callum and Priya, a couple who had just moved into a new flat with one fatal flaw: the toilet roll holder was mounted behind the toilet. Like, full yoga twist required. Whoever designed it clearly hated comfort and elbows.
Day 1: Callum attempts the reach. Dislocates dignity. Priya laughs so hard she drops her phone in the sink.
Day 3: They try rotating the roll forward before sitting down. But the holder has a spring mechanism so aggressive it launches the roll like a paper torpedo. Callum gets hit mid-squat. Priya calls it “The Bidet of Shame.”
Day 5: They install a freestanding holder. The cat knocks it over daily. Toilet rolls now roam freely like tumbleweeds of hygiene.
Day 7: Priya tapes a roll to the wall with duct tape. It becomes a shrine. Guests ask if it’s modern art.
Day 10: Callum invents a pulley system using string, a coat hanger, and a whisk. It works once. Then the whisk detaches and hits him in the knee. Priya calls it “The Wipe and Smite.”
Day 14: They give up and just keep the roll on the sink. But one day, it falls in mid-flush. The toilet clogs. The plumber arrives, sees the soggy roll, and says, “Ah. The classic Flat 3 Flush Trap.”
Day 15: They move the toilet roll holder to the door. Now they have to stand up, walk across the room, and salute the roll before returning to finish the job.

I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on…

but then it clicked.

I never trust people who do acupuncture.

They’re back stabbers.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Remorse code.

I’m a huge fan of whiteboards.

They’re re-markable.

My favorite word is “drool.”

It just rolls off the tongue.

I walked past a florist the other day & decided to be a little romantic and buy my girlfriend a bunch of flowers. I went inside and enquired what blooms they had.
The receptionist said "This is not a florist shop. This is a sperm bank"
"What??" I said "But the window is full of flowers?"
"What do you suggest we put in the window?" replied the receptionist.......

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. At the gates he is refused entry; "I'm sorry, you're an engineer, you need to go down to hell" said St Peter.
So, the engineer goes to hell.
After a couple of months the engineer has built bridges over the rivers of molten lava, he has installed air conditioning to cool everything down, and ice machines so that everyone can have cool drinks.
God gets to hear about this and phones the Devil; "Now look here Satan, we made a mistake sending you that engineer, send him back up to Heaven immediately."
Satan laughs and says "No, it's great here now, I think we'll keep him"
God replies "If you don't send back the engineer I'll sue you"
Satan laughs again and says "Really? And where in heaven will you find a lawyer???"...

What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?

Swimming trunks.