Jokes

Managed to fill the tank for £50 earlier. Pretty cheap considering current circumstances.

That's the lawnmower sorted for a couple of months.

A stoned hippie tourist flies into Australia for a holiday.

The immigration officer looks at him and asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?”

Stoned tourist replies, “Is that…is that still a requirement to enter Australia?”

A guy says to his therapist, “Before I got involved with drugs, I had a loving family, a nice house, and a decent car.”

The therapist says, “And now?”

And the guy says, “Now I also have a private jet and a yacht.”

Why did the protractor go to the hospital?
Because it sprained it's angle

Yes yes I know.
Must have been an acute injury

A man came home to find his wife in bed with a stranger.

"What the hell are you two doing?" he demanded.

His wife turned to the stranger and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."

One night a Deer, a Skunk and a Duck went out for dinner at a restaurant.

When it came time to pay, the Skunk didn't have a scent, the Deer didn't have a buck, so they put it on the Duck's bill.

What do you call a nervous skydiver?
Hugo First

The worst part of having an apple addiction is the fact that you can't see a doctor about it.

I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on, but then it clicked!

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.